Friday, September 21, 2012

Deep Thoughts

It’s been a while since I’ve posted about anything of consequence and meaning to my heart.  I prefer to stay private and blog about food and fabric. That’s just how I roll these days (errr, years actually.)

Life has been kinda tough mentally, physically, and emotionally lately. But it has for you too I bet. Nobody has it easy, of that I am convinced. 

What’s been mentally tough is dealing with my children—particularly my son who is now in high school. He is flexing his teenage muscles of independence and that’s tough to deal with. I’ve always loved to work with teenagers—for years I worked with the young women ages 12-18 at my church and loved every minute of it. But when that teenager is your own…..well you don’t always love every minute of it. Yes the below photo is staged but everyday they re-enact this scene. For real.

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What’s been physically tough is getting back into the swing of things with school back in session for a month now. Paul and I get up early with Nathan and make him a hot breakfast and send him off with a huge sack lunch at 6:45am. He eats eggs and bacon in the dark and it’s mostly quiet, and I’m tired, but in 4 years he’ll be gone and then I’ll wish I had done more.  By the end of the day when I’m washing dishes once again in the dark, I’m even more tired, but that’s just life right now.

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(A lighter moment with Nathan—pretending we’re tough Mexicans. Well, we’re not pretending to be Mexican , that’s a fact, just pretending to be tough.)

Emotionally what’s tough is trying to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up. By that I just mean that I’m trying to have a bit of self-awareness—am I doing all I can for my kids who are growing up so fast? I feel the urgency of that everyday—they’re growing up so fast. Am I teaching them to be kind because they see me kind?  Do I give enough? Do I serve my fellow brothers and sisters enough? I’ve been given so much and it has to be for a reason—I have to reach out and help more and so often I feel so insular. That’s my prayer every day to my Father in Heaven—help me to reach out and help someone today. 90% of the time it’s my kids or hubby whom I help but I hope I can reach beyond my own little life and be a puller and not a pusher.

P.S. My sweet Ilene was given clearance from her orthopedic surgeon to live a normal life—she can now run, jump, and be a typical young girl. What a miracle. It makes me weep with gratitude. (Post here about her surgery.)



Heather C. said...

Hooray for Ilene! Hooray for mothers who cook meals for their children! Hooray for Cynthia posting a blog that a lot of other moms will be able to relate to and find comfort in!

cynthia said...

Thanks Heather for all the hoorays.

thefoxkids said...

I think there is a switch that goes off in mothers brains when their oldest is a freshmen in High School and still slightly when each hit that same milestone (my oldest is now a Jr and the next one down is now a freshman) but I remember at his 8th grade promotion, we got him his first "real suit" he put it on so my mother could alter it (yes I use/abuse my mother's fantastic tailoring skills when she's in town for those kind of events!) and I openly wept.. he looked so much like the missionaries serving in our ward and at that moment 5 years seemed like a blip in time when my Dad saw him he started to say "he looks like a misss....(missionary)" I instantly stopped him and said don't say it!!! my heart can't take it!!! now i'm in my 3rd year of high school and we've had our fair share of teenage flexing happen and although I am ever aware that in 3 short years we will be dropping him off on the steps of the MTC (don't get me started about the new drop and go policy!) I too have looked at where my life is going (ie I start school again in Jan) so I think everything is normal and shows what a great mom and woman you are to have those feelings.. I guess what all this rambling (sorry) means is we are united as mothers with the same feelings causes and want an desire for our children.. to grow up and use those same flexing muscles for good and to hope and pray we've done enough!! btw i'm not letting my teenagers see a WARM breakfast but I do always remember you and your sibs getting warm breakfast every morning.. I bow to you and your mom's greatness!! (for many more reasons that just that forsure!) Hugs!!!

Casey said...

Wow. I felt like I was just reading my very own words there. It must be the age. Having a freshman really changes your life. I have had such mixed emotions. I love the moments when Alexa and I are up late and the other kids are in bed and she just opens up and we laugh and talk. But then in that same day I can be so frustrated dealing with a child that WANTS to be independent but can't remember to get on the right bus to come home after practice or calls me because she forgot something. Or can't quite get her room cleaned up or just behaves completely irresponsible. And then I forget about it again and enjoy the beautiful young woman she is turning into. And I have to remember taht she is still growing up. And then I get sad thinking there are only 4 more years left with her. Wow, it's an emotional roller coaster. Thanks for the deep thoughts. I always look forward to your words of wisdom and inspiration. I really take it to heart.

Mary said...

I feel much the same way. For my freshman daughter though, I look at her and realize that she could be a mom, herself, in eight or nine short years. Have I done enough to prepare her? Am I doing enough for my other children? It's a daily venture; and it will be forever, I suppose.


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